so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
