Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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