i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize