I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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