My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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