I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
