If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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