Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
