so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
