I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
