Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm just crazy horny about you
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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