i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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