he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
