smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
