I wish I could punch you in the face.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
