just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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