Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
