Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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