I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
