Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
