i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I forget how to act sober
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
