I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
