i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
