dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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