did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
