my phone needs a breathalizer
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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