I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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