I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
