Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
