my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
