I can text with my tongue
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
