none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
