Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
