Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
