Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
