What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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