i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
