The maid of honor just puked.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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