My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize