she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I love you. Go after that dick
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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