remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The dick lei will go down in squad history
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
