Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
