i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
