my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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