i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
