I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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