Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
