Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
