Im at strip club and am horny
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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