i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
