This dress was meant to end up on your floor
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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