i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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