It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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