I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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