M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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