I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
