You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
it was like having sex with a tree stump
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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