took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
