did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
