when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
