I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
