i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
